If you want me to talk to you, don't shout my
name, over and over when I am silent.
Don't shout in frustration. I don't want to talk
to people who are shouting at me.
If you want me to talk to you, don't grab my arm
and shake it.
If you want me to talk to you, don't get
frustrated and feel impatient.
If you want me to talk to you, don't say "Why
don't you talk to me?"
If you want me to talk to you, don't say,
"Say something!"
If you want me to talk to you, don't say,
"What's wrong with you?"
If you want me to talk to you, don't feel rejected
when I am silent. Be patient.
If you want me to talk to you, reach out and put
your hand on me. Show me that you are there, waiting
patiently. Give me time to speak when I am ready.
If you want me to talk to you, and I am able to
tell you how I feel, don't give me a lecture about
how we all feel that way sometimes.
(I'm not like everyone else. I am not like anyone
else. The reasons I feel the way I do are not the
same reasons anyone else feels the way they do. If I
tell you I feel alone and you say "We all feel
alone sometimes, but ..." I may even start to
hate you and never, ever want to talk to you again.
Or I may walk away from you and never come back.)
If you want me to talk to you, don't ask me what I
am thinking. Don't ask me what I am doing. Ask me how
I am feeling.
If you want me to talk to you, don't invalidate me
when I tell you how I am feeling.
If you want me to talk to you, don't act like you
don't have much time to listen. Don't come into my
van and leave the door partway open when you close
it, as if you are ready to leave, or are afraid I
will kidnap you or something or that you don't really
want to be there with me. When you do this I feel
untrusted. I don't want to talk to someone who
doesn't trust me.
If you want me to talk to you, don't say, "I
came here tonight to just listen to you and not give
you advice, just like you told me, but you don't seem
to want to talk." When you say this I feel
blamed, disapproved of, lectured to.
If you want me to talk to you, don't tell me what
I should do.
If you want me to talk to you, don't say,
"Why don't you..."
If you want me to talk to you, try to figure out
what I am feeling if I am unable to speak.
If you want me to talk to you, don't say
"Don't do this to me."
If you want me to talk to you and I am so weak
that I am down on the ground, don't stand above me
and tell me to stand up.
If you want me to talk to you and I am crying,
don't tell me to stop crying.
--
This was based on somethings that someone named
Carol in Peru did recently, someone else named Manuel
in Peru, someone named Esmeralda in Ecuador and
someone named Gretchen in the United States.
Interestingly, they were all raised by people who
call themselves Catholics. Could it be that the
Catholics are the worst listeners in the world?
S. Hein
December 31, 2004
Chiclayo, Peru
See also "When I feel sad,
reach out to me"