Emotional Intelligence Home

Jerren

Here is Jerren in Peru with kids climbing on him. Here is the full pic.

Introduction

Jerren is the first volunteer to come to Peru and help me. He is 20 years old and from the USA. Below is the first entry I wrote about him.

Oct 7, 2005 - Jerren has been reading my journal entries and highlighting things he thinks are interesting or especially worth reading. He has also created a template so it will be easier to move from one entry to the next, easier to go to the journal table of contents etc. Here is a sample from Oct 3

He has also been chatting with the teens who need help and doing some research to help with the Ocean case.

Sept 30, 2005 - A few days ago Jerren arrived in Peru. He got here around 6 in the morning. We have been emailing for a couple months or so. He came here to help me with my work. We have been getting along really well. He is another smart, sensitive person who tried to kill himself as a teen. He is 20 now. When he was 13 he tried to kill himself by taking all the pills he could find in his house.

He has already been helping me. For example, the second night after he got here he spent four hours talking to a teen in Canada who said she was planning to kill herself.

For now I am just going to copy a lot of the emails which Jerren sent me. Later I am sure I will be writing more about him.

Steve

Some emails from Jerren

Sunday, July 31, 2005 7:26 PM

Subject : Work Exchange Volunteer


Hi,

I wanted to express my sincere interest in being a part of your work exchange program in Peru. Actually, I've been interested ever since I read your page on studying psychology in a university (http://www.eqi.org/psychstud.htm) back in January. There's a lot else that I want to say, but I'll keep it short for now. I mainly just wanted to get in touch with you and let you know that I support your dream and I would like to help you out.

I've sent you two messages from my old college e-mail account over a week ago but I'm guessing that I may have misspelled your address or Hotmail's spam filter might have accidentally caught them. So, I signed up for a Hotmail account just to e-mail you. Well, I hope you get this message and I hope to talk to you soon!

Thanks,
Jerren

I just noticed that I got Jerren´s first email on my birthday! He has been one of my best birthday presents ever!

Thursday, August 4, 2005 9:54 PM

Subject : RE: Work Exchange Volunteer


Hello,

Just had the chance to check my e-mail. I don't have a computer of my own (i use the computers the local public library), so sometimes it may take a few days before i reply depending on what i'm doing at the moment.

That's fine if you pass on my e-mail address. I would like to help in any way I can. I'll try to contact the one person's address you sent me. You can send me more if you're willing. I've got a lot going on right now (unfortunately), not feeling too good and some other unexpected setbacks, but I will get back to you this weekend. It's good to hear from you.

Talk to you later,

Jerren

Sunday, August 7, 2005 8:07 PM

Subject : information about myself (jerren - peru volunteer)


Hi,

I finally got a chance to mail you. I've been having problems with my bicycle which I rely on as my main means of transportation and I've been hampered down by homework from school (which i don't want to be in, btw). I've also been feeling very pessimistic and negative lately about my life and where i'm at. I just learning to accept personal responsibilty for my life and my feelings. It's been tough. Anyway, here's is my information:

I am 20 years old, soon to be 21 in November. I am originally from Columbia, Maryland, moved to Aurora, Illinois when I was 7, then to Monmouth Junction, New Jersey two years after that. I graduated from South Brunswick High School in June of 2002. I was very glad to get out of that hellhole, I hated my high school experience. I never wanted to go to college, but I was pressured into going by my parents and so I went to the University of Maryland Baltimore County, transferred to Temple University my 2nd year, then to Chestnut Hill College my 3rd year, and now I'm at the Art Institute of Phoenix in Arizona. I chose to come here to get away from my parents and learn to be self-sufficient and live on my own and be my own person. The school was just a good excuse to get out of there and live on my own, which gave them a reason to help me get out of there too.

As for me, I would describe myself as curious, shy, insecure, calm, quiet, caring, kind, considerate, pensive, aloof, sensitive, sincere, honest, patient, reliable. My interests are reading and writing, philosophy, spirituality, hiking/walking, cycling, sightseeing, people, nature. I don't listen to much music but I do like classical, jazz, and drum & bass, downtempo, ambient techno. I can't think of anything else to write about me...hmm... I've worked 7 jobs in my life, most of which were cashier position in retail stores. I've always liked to work with people, but in those environments it's gets to be so mentally wearing and tiring.

I'm very sensitive and can be emotionally needy at times. I've struggled with depression throughout my teenage years. During that time my parents were really unsupportive, thinking that I was just crazy, not making an actual effort to understand me. I try not to talk to them anymore; it's all really painful for me. I just want to be my own person. They keep judging me and labeling me, like everyone else I've ever met. It's hard to break out my habit of being defensive and pessimistic towards people, which is why I'm taking the risk to write you and expose my feelings to you.

Reading your journal entries makes me feel better about myself, like I'm not the only person who is bothered and sees that the majority of the people in the world lead such unhappy, unhealthy lives. I want to do something about it, but I'm not sure how. I'm hoping that by voluteering and doing everything that I can to help you, I'll be able to figure that out. Living in American society, I feel weird. I don't care about status, or money, or women (i'm a guy, btw), i'm so hurt at what's going on around me but i'm powerless to change it. I'm struggling not to get caught in all the bullshit and propoganda, and artificial conventions/beliefs of the culture I'm in. that's why i think it's important to travel. I think that this is a great opportunity to do something meaningful with my life, to be able to be in a position to have a positive effect on other people and make a positive difference their lives. This is really an opportunity of a lifetime and I don't want to pass it up. There is so much to gain from this. My mind is open and I am eager to learn. I really want to be a part of what you're doing.

Just so you know, I do know some basic Spanish and I'm currently studying the langauge to refresh my memory (I took Spanish in high school). The thought of living in a new country thousands of miles away from all i've ever known terrifies me. but in spite of my fear, i earnestly want to help you and volunteer, i want to learn from you, i want to change my life in order to be in a better position to help other people even if it means i have to travel thousands of miles away to do it.

If there is anything else you would like to know about me, please ask. I really have nothing to hide and I'd be more than willing to share any pertinent information about myself with you.

I do have questions about traveling to peru, getting a passport, and about the program, but i don't want to get ahead of myself or make any hasty assumptions. I hope to hear from you soon!

Take care,

Jerern

Monday, August 8, 2005 8:12 PM

Subject : e-mail problems!!




hi steve,

i need to let you know that i've switched my e-mail address. i lost the password to the other one and wasn't able to reset it or recover it. so to save time and frustration, i just created a new one. i've written my password down everywhere so i definitely won't forget it this time. please direct all future mail to this address or else i won't receive it at all. thank you! :)

also, do you have a chat program? maybe we could talk that way. it'd be easier and quicker than e-mailing back and forth. i have an old AIM screen name. since i use public computers for my internet access, i would only be able to use AIM Express. in any event, please let me know.

bye,
jerren

p.s. i sent an e-mail to loz (the 15-year-old girl from england who cuts). i'm still waiting for a response. i also sent a message with my background information to you on sunday. not sure if you got it yet. i can send it again if necessary. i'd tell you more about me if i knew what else to say!

Tuesday, August 9, 2005 11:15 PM

Subject : RE: e-mail problems!!



hi, i'm glad to hear from you!

i really want to work to with you. i know i prolly said that a lot of times in my other e-mail, but i truly mean it. i’m a hard worker. and most of all, i care. i really do care about other people; i can’t help it, that’s just how i am. i just want to give to others and contribute and try to do something positive despite the overwhelming negativity in the world.

I’ve been feeling rather pessimistic lately. I feel like a victim of cruel circumstance, even though intellectually I know I’m making all the decisions in my life and I’m controlling the direction of my life. I can really relate to so many people around me because I can tell that they’re struggling with life and being human just as much as I am. The mind is powerful and yet so delicate; all it takes is one negative thought to affect the way you feel and throw you off course completely. I’m really trying to control my thinking and occasional dips into irrationality and fearful thinking. And learning how to trust people and let go my fears. A lot of times I feel as if I’m holding myself back more than anything else.

I think I can help people because I’ve struggled with life and still do. I’ve learned so so much in such a short amount of time (20 years and 9 months of living). i don't feel like my age, i feel much older and people tell me that too. when I’m not busy with school, i spend most of my time taking walks around the area just to think and at the park or in the library. They’re the only peaceful places I can find here. it's always sunny with clear skies here in phoenix, and it's really nice to be outside and look at the sky, it's very calming. I’ve been reading so many self-help and philosophy books. I can’t stop reading philosophy. i’ve learned much more productive ways to cope with life and whatever happens to me. It really isn’t even a subject to me anymore, it’s actually a way of life. I don’t discriminate between any one religion or doctrine; they all have a little bit of truth to them, they all could help me out in some way.

I try to keep a completely open mind, because at the end of the day, we’re all human beings and innately interdependent on one another and we could learn from each other no matter what our perceived differences are. i learn from everyone, even when someone insults me or whatever. Too many people get caught up on appearances; there’s so much more than what we see, it’s amazing. It’s hard to put it into words.

from the time i began paying attention to my emotions and how my thoughts control the way i feel, i feel much more gentle, more caring, and more sensitive. i feel better about myself. i feel more human and less critical of the natural limitations of being human.

i've been saving up as much money as i can, minus obligatory living expenses. i don't make much but i still work hard anyway. i really want to make this trip. And to meet you in person. i need to do something meaningful with my life.


I’m sorry for the long e-mail. I feel better now that I’ve shared all that with you.

please excuse the messy formatting. I’m in a computer lab and it's really distractive in here (people talking, playing loud music, etc)

How soon can we plan this trip? I don’t want to get into too many details right now because i've wrote enough already! And you may be busy with other matters at the moment; i don't know. I’m not going to rush or anything. But I do have some logistical questions concerning the trip. Just to satisfy my lingering worries about getting there, if we can work this out.

Let me know what you think!

Talk to you later,
Jerren

p.s. I’m not sure if I have access to msn messenger through the library computers. They’re really strict about installing software on the computers. I may be able to chat with you through my roommate’s computer since he has msn messenger. I’ve never used the program before.
Do you want to set up a time we can chat?

Thursday, August 11, 2005 12:59 AM

Subject : RE:



it's really great to hear from you. thank you!

i was a little nervous checking my e-mail because i wasn't sure if you replied or not, or how you would respond to what i wrote. i was afraid of seeming too open and forward or weird. but i took the risk anyway. i'm a very insecure person deep down and i'm really working on that.

i am so excited right now! my heart leapt when i read your message! i can't wait to come there! i feel like jumping up and singing! haha! woo! i really feel like this is an important and significant time in my life. thank you for this opportunity!

well, for now, i'm too overwhemled by emotion to think of any questions pertaining to the trip. when i calm down later, i’ll write down my questions and send them to you. i'm really excited. this is so cool!

i don't keep an online diary because i don't think people would care enough to read what i have to say -- part of that is because the environment i grew up in. i've always been a solitary person, part of it is a way of protecting myself from rejection or disapproval from other people. but more than anything, it gives me a chance to think, which i devote a lot of time to. for the most part, i talk to myself often, which allows me to discuss my thoughts and what i'm feeling at the moment and why i'm feeling that way, etc. when i read something of value, it's the only way i can digest the information -- just talking to myself aloud when i'm alone or in my head if there's someone around.
i also do A LOT of a writing on paper, which i prefer over a computer, to set down my thoughts and read them to myself as a way of working through my problems. it works. when i feel better about whatever worries me, i usually throw them in the trash. some of the things i write that bother me are really embarrassing; it would be very uncomfortable for me to share them with other people regardless of who they are.

i recently wrote some writing, almost ten pages of notes. i will begin to save what i write so i can share them with you and others (which is going to be uncomfortable and awkward for me). but i want to break out of my old protective habits.

i also want to help out with the alternative school. i'm all for it. i would like to teach english to younger people. and about managing emotions. i would love that actually. but i'm really getting ahead of myself.

i'm more than willing to help laura and anyone else out with learning english. i've been reading books and writing since early childhood and i have a strong command of the language. i need to brush up on my spanish though, which i'm learning at the moment.

i will get back to you with my questions in the next few days. i don't want to rush things, and i need time to plan.

thanks,
jerren

Friday, August 12, 2005 5:20 AM
Subject : my reality check



***ok, this is a really confusing message i'm sending you. i wrote it in one state of mind. but something in me gave way and i needed to share with you all these feelings i'm harboring inside. it's totally disorganized, i'm not sure if you can make sense of it. the computer lab is closing, so i'm really feeling rushed and don't have time to go over it and clean it up. sorry***

I was just about to e-mail you when I just got your message earlier today. I had planned to write you a few questions and leave it at that. But I ended up writing a lot. Something in me just snapped, and everything that came to mind I wrote. A lot of the message just came to me without any planning, so it’s disorganized a bit. You may want to copy this message into Notepad or MS Word to read. It’s a lot.

Loz wrote me back: she thanked me for writing her and said that she would keep in touch. I sent her a reply message, reassuring her that “the door is open” and that I will listen to whatever she wants to share and that I’m not pressuring her to e-mail me or chat if she doesn't want to, since we don't know each other that well. I also shared more of my personal experiences with being insecure and shy and my continuing struggles with pessimism and depression. Just so you know.

I feel silly after writing that last message to you. I feel like I overreacted, and maybe I did. I don’t want to seem like I’m all talk. Some of the things, yes, I did say out of emotion, but my intentions remain firmly sincere. I feel like I need to sell you on my value as a volunteer (my need for approval and fear of rejection). Again, intellectually I understand these concepts but they are so difficult to implement emotionally in my everyday life. I feel like a hypocrite. It’s much easier to speak from the lips than from the heart. I think I could learn a lot from you. Well, I’m calm now, and “back on earth”.

Here’s my only obstacle, simply put: I don’t know to get to Lima.

It sounds dumb, but it’s true. My worldly inexperience is obvious. Yes, I am completely inexperienced with international travel. I admit it!!

Today, reality caught up with me. I don’t know where to start in planning this trip. I’ve never left the U.S. in my life. My mind is all mush; I’m frozen where I am; I can’t think straight. I’m scared, but still I’m determined to go. I only have $600 dollars and some extra pocket money for food. I don’t think I will be able to afford a round-trip ticket. I don’t have much money for this trip, which is my fault for not noticing when I first e-mailed you. I spoke briefly with a travel agent who told me that I would have to buy a special plane ticket for extended stay since I’m volunteering?! I dunno. He wasn’t very helpful, and seemed distracted and uninterested on the phone. I, on the other hand, was totally nervous and discouraged by his reaction to me. I’m completely confused about this since this is my first time, so if you don’t mind, can I ask you a bunch of possibly dumb/obvious questions?

1) Do I need a passport? (I don’t have one.)
2) Do I need to buy a round-trip ticket or can I buy one-way ticket to save some money?
3) What’s the cheapest way to get to Lima?
4) I’m sorry to hear about what happened to Laura; I didn’t mention that in my last e-mail (too excited, hehe). If you’re not in Cajamarca anymore, where will we be staying?
5) Do you recommend that I go to a travel agency or to an airline directly?
6) Speaking of airlines, which one do you recommend?
7) What else would I need to enter Peru?
8) Do I need a special visa if I’m staying for an extended period of time?
9) Do you still want to contact me by phone? I have a cell phone. I don’t use it much, if at all, but here’s the number: xxx. I’m going to get rid of it soon. It’s a needless accessory. My mom bought for me to keep in touch with me (her invisible leash to me). Let me know if you want to, so I will turn it on.
10) Would you be able to pick me up or meet me at the airport? Once I can get to a scanner, I will try to send you a picture of myself so you can spot me at the airport.
11) Will I need any money once I get there? I don’t think I will have any money after transportation costs.
12) Do I need to speak fluent Spanish to live there? I know basic Spanish, a few words and phrases here and there, but I’m not at all confident in my speech. I think I sound too “American” and awkward. Maybe that’s just me being insecure again.
13) What exactly will be my responsibilities as a volunteer? Is it limited to chatting with teens online with respect to the program? Four hours per day doesn’t seem like a lot of time to work, for some reason.
In the early months of this year, I had a full-time job working 8 continuous hours a day without any breaks or eating for 7 days a week so I could save my money to move to Arizona by myself away from my family. I worked at Blockbuster Video in a neighboring town called Plainsboro, New Jersey. One of my co-workers was very emotionally unhealthy and took it out on everybody, especially me because we worked so closely together. There was only four people working there besides the manager; the place was terribly understaffed. I kept getting scheduled with the co-worker. He never took responsibility for his feelings or actions or thoughts, he blamed everyone for everything – anything besides him. He was abusive to me, and I endured it silently because I’m so afraid of confrontation. I have a hard time standing up for myself.

My dad was the same way to me. He is so invaliding and close-minded. My mom is very smothering. She cannot see me as an adult with my own mind. I’m just her “baby”. She never lets me do anything for myself. I guess so I would remain dependent on her. She cried when I left. She made so many attempts to make me feel guilty about leaving so I would stay. My room in my parents’ house was my safe place in the house. They called it my “dungeon” and criticized me for being in there so much. I would always go to my room whenever my parents came down on me, which was nearly all the time. They made fun of me when I told them I wanted to be a philosopher, which to me meant devoting my life to studying texts and writing my thoughts down and living a very simple life somewhere in the mountains. They said that I would never make any money that way, that I would be a bum. I went to college because they wanted me to go to college. I never wanted to. But I had no where else to go where I could be me and write and think and enjoy just being alive on this earth! Their irrational fears became my fears. I too stopped writing and reading, because there was no money to be made in it. I feared that if I didn’t go to college I would be a bum because I didn’t want to be a part of American society. I wanted to live somewhere far away. I always envisioned myself helping other people face to face, doing volunteer work to help others somewhere very far away. I always envisioned myself being a teacher, perhaps to relate to other all the things I learned from studying various texts and reading religious and philosophic books and struggling with life and all the experiences I went through and the endless hours of thinking and mental frustration and writing. I have so much to tell other people, but I feel that no one cares about me or what I have to say. but I am not a philosopher even I am intently engaged in the pursuit of philosophy; I am merely a human being struggling to understand his existence in the world and its purpose and the true nature of things in the world. I need the truth! I’m in the pursuit of truth more than anything else! I don’t like that label. I feel like a fraud calling myself that. I’m a liar and a hypocrite if I should go around thinking that. I don’t want to put on a pretense to boost my ego. I don’t do what I do for my health, or to look good. What I can an “ego” is a mental construct manufactured by the mind. It’s an acculturated belief. But who cares about that? I try to tell other people that and they laugh at me or think I’m crazy. They think I’m trying to be “smart” and shit. God, I just want the truth! I want to get past all the bullshit, all the politics, all the irrationality. Maybe I was never meant to live like other people. I am unfit to live in society. I feel like I have some very important ideas that I need to express. So many people are so wrapped in their everyday lives, no one pays attention to the deeper aspects of human existence. I need to tell people what I’ve learned, what’s in my mind. It’s so much. If I’m optimistic enough, I may write a book or something. I’d rather teach a class or something to prevent children from being brainwashed by education system more concerned with its own well-being than its students, to help them see the humanity in all of us. Maybe I’m far too idealistic. I get discouraged easily. My parents considered me to be weird, and I felt “weird” around them. I never accepted their cultural values and the ideology that went along with it. I am a human being before I am any socially constructed label. People will see me as they wish, and I have learned not to place as much value on what other people think of me. I love being alone: no one can judge, no can reject me, I feel freer to be myself, I feel more alive. But at the same time, I love humanity. I care about other people, my fellow human beings. It sounds corny, but that’s how I feel.

This is all so disorganized. I hope you can make sense of this mess. I’m sorry to tell you all this. To write so much. I need help. I’m so afraid. I feel crazy. I am in such an invaliding environments. I was raised in a toxic environment with my parents. My blockbuster job was another toxic environment too. I need to get this out even if all of this never gets read. At least I made an effort to write.

This is all mixed in with what I wrote previously. I feel rushed, the computer lab is going to close soon. I have little time to organize this message. There is so much I need to share. I need someone to care. I need someone to listen to me because I never had that before in my life. god, I really do. I need to tell you everything about me, if you will listen. I need to get this all out of me. I’m carrying around so much emotional baggage – it’s slowly killing me inside. That’s why I’m such a solitary person, to protect myself. I want to be open, I need to be around people who care and who are genuinely interested in me and what I have say. I’m not crazy. I’m just a person that needs someone to care about me. I’m so alone. I feel like crying. I will catch a bus to lima if that’s what it takes. Or hitchhike. Whatever it takes. I need to stop feeling to disconnected with everyone. People are so self-contained here.

I want to discuss with you in detail everything that I’ve learned from my thinking and writing and reading and studying. I’ll bring my philosophy books with me to show them to you. It’s some pretty dense prose but I’ve read them so many times that I’ve begun to understand them a little better. I’m so lost. I’m not normal. I have emotional problems and issues. I feel like a hypocrite trying to be a volunteer. I need just as much help as they do. I wish they could help me. I have no friends here. And the so-called friends I used to have I don’t talk to anymore, along with my family. I need get away from all of this. I’m not running away, I need to move on. I know there is so much more to life than where I’m at now. Part of me is still attached to me family and old friends, and their beliefs. E-mailing you has been the hardest thing for me. I’m just learning to be more open, to take risks, to stop being so shut-in. I wish I was there right now because I would talk to you until my face turns blue. I need to get this all now. There’s so much more I need to share but the computer lab is going to close soon. I will e-mail you tomorrow most likely. Actually, this is last of what I wrote (in the middle of the message). This message is really disorganized. I’m typing this up in MS word. I couldn’t do it in hotmail, too much to write. This is so hard to share all this with you. I’m sorry. I need a hug. I’ll find a way there. I’ll be there as soon as I can. I need to get out of here. I am slowly dying inside. I don’t want to resort to suicide. I need a better life for myself. I’m not okay. I’m struggling. I’m weak. I need help. I’m volunteering to save myself, to learn new things, to be more open, to grow as a more caring human being, to give of myself to others. I wish I could talk to you, text is so restrictive. If you do call, please let me know I wrote my number below. I will turn my phone on. I’m a very insecure person, and I’m always nervous over the phone. I’m a little better now that I’ve had a chance to work on it on my own. I may not have enough money to fly to lima, but I can take a bus or a train maybe. I will get there.

I’m so sorry to be so forward. You hardly know me. you’ve never met me before. I’m a complete stranger to you. But I feel a connection with you. I know that you are a truly good human being. I need to meet you to know that I’m not alone on this earth. There’s other people care about the same things I care about, that want to do positive things in a less than perfect world. I have no friends. I don’t talk much to anyone. I deliberately withdraw from my peers because I don’t share their values or beliefs.

I need to go now. The lab is closing. I’m rushed so I’m actually ending this message in the middle but the rest of it is at the bottom. bye
jerren

I have come to learn in my past experiences that I am a very patient and tolerant person. I endured my co-worker’s abuse (going back to Blockbuster) and even made numerous attempts to discuss his problems to help him resolve his personal issues. I was doggedly determined to get to Arizona, to live on my own, to be independent, to be my own person. I’ve been living in Phoenix for approximately 36 days, by the way. I went to school so I wouldn’t be homeless. I’m wasting my time being in school. I’m not “career-focused” like everyone else. I don’t care about being rich, having stock options, and driving a Mercedes 5 Series or whatever, or which celebrity did this or that, or picking up girls to have sex with them, landing a flashy job, or the latest techno-gadget. I used to be into computers and graphic design (which is why I went to the art school), but I’ve gotten rid of everything I have. I just want a simple life, to be a decent and caring human being, to be alive, to want to wake up in the morning and not think that my life is bullshit. I’m so disillusioned and alienated by the society I live in. I feel like I’m an alien from another planet masquerading as a human being. I like it here, but my heart is with your program. I’ve been interested in coming to work with you since you first mentioned it in your journal entries and in some of the articles you wrote. That’s why I’m so anxious and ready to leave. I don’t want to mess this up.

There HAS to be a way to get to Lima, even if it means that I spend all the money I currently have. I’m so positive about this, and I know I can get there, and I refuse to allow my irrational fears and negativity to keep me from doing this. This is an important opportunity for me. I don’t want to seem helpless even though I do feel helpless (because I’m scared). I’m a competent, albeit inexperienced, individual. I just have very little information to work with and it’s making things worse for planning. I’m completely ignorant about this, and I really need as much information as possible. I’m so anxious and tense that I don’t know where to look. I did some half-hearted searches on Google. Didn’t find much. More than anything, I just need to be pointed in the right direction. Help! J

It’s so hard to focus. I’m in the computer lab and these two girls (oops, now five altogether) are talking incredibly loud; they won’t stop for the sake of anyone! It’s not helping me at all.

I don’t have much to bring: just a few articles of clothing, some basic hygiene items, and some books. I have few material possessions –- only basic items for bodily survival. I’m the same way with food. I don’t eat much (mainly bread and water and orange juice and fruits and noodles), just merely what’s sufficient for basic survival.

At the moment, I’m not sure when to leave! I would leave earlier if I knew what I’m doing. I’m such a newbie to this. Where should I start first?
I know nothing.


Thank you for the link to the article; it looks interesting but it’s hard to concentrate in this noisy computer lab. No one respects one another in here! I want to devote my full attention to reading this. I love to read and to learn and to analyze and understand information. It’s a natural tendency of mine. I’m going to print it out and read it at my favorite spot at the park where it’s isolated and quiet and it has a great view of the mountains in the distance. I’m really good with research-type stuff and “intellectual” kinds of things (it’s like a hobby for me). I’m pretty good at de-cluttering the constipated, esoteric prose of academia provided that I know what some of the technical words they use mean -- much of that kind of writing is bullshit and inaccessible to most people, in my flat opinion. Certain people who write like that mistake using “big” words for profundity; that couldn’t be anymore further from the truth. *steps off of soapbox* But yeah, I like to learn and understand things. So, I will read the article and get back to you as soon as I can.

Friday, August 12, 2005 6:19 PM

Subject : pictures!!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


i'm sorry about that last e-mail. i didn't mean to write so much. it's all so messy. i feel so vulnerable; it's a very uncomfortable feeling. i'm not used to opening up so much. i'm not used to anyone being genuinely interested in me as a person. i'm not used to anyone actually listening to me instead of just "hearing" me and especially without passing judgment on me. i feel like i exhaggerated on a few things when i wrote that. a lot of emotions were racing through me as i typed it. i need to feel accepted for who i am as a human being, who I am inside not outside. and i've never felt that in all my life, or at least as far back as i can remember.

it seems like people get so caught up by the way i look. i don't blame them because this is a fucked-up world we're living in. but still i feel like people use the way i look against me; they hold it against me. the compare the way i look with the way i act and to them it doesn't match. i'm "not supposed" to be the way i am. but even if i fell into the widely accepted cultural stereotypes perpetuated on television and throughout american society, they'd still would find fault with me. they are insatiable. it's impossible to satisfy them. so, i've stopped worrying about other people think of me -- or at least tried. i continue to see the human in other people and approach them in light of that. and a lot of times i actually get through to more people that way. and in some instances, i find that they feel the same way i do.

i've noticed that i use a lot of "i feel like..." statements when i try to describe many of my thoughts. they aren't actually feeling statements but i've also noticed that along with these thoughts there are certain emotions attached to them so that whenever they come into my consciousness, i also feel a certain emotion too. it's like our emotions are imprinted on our memories and thoughts; whatever we feel that the time of the particular experience is inextricably connected to the event.

i was afraid to send you pictures of me out of a fear of what you would think of me. it's true that i'll never know how any person will respond to me because, by nature of the human mind, a person has no epistemic access to another's thoughts -- and we therefore remain from birth until death epistemically alone in our thought processes. i think it's this natural condition that gives each of us a unique feeling of personal individuality -- something that no one will ever quite know fully unless they were actually you. i really like talking about this kind of stuff. it helps me to understand the nature of things better. sorry to ramble on so much; i can't help it most of the time.

ok enough of that, here's the pictures (below)!!


1) here is a picture of me and dad (and my younger sister giving him bunny ears behind his back). when i look back at my experiences with my dad, it's readily apparent that he was a very insecure person himself. in a way he passed that down to me. but i know now that i'm fully responsible for my own insecurity and whatever else i'm feeling now that a young adult thinking for himself. i had a good childhood though. lots of good memories, so many fun times.

2) a old, worn picture of my mom when she a lot younger. i like this picture because it helps to remind me that she was a kid too, way back "in the olden days" lol. i'm a lot closer to my mom than i am with my dad. but my relationship with her is so toxic; it's always been that way since the cradle. a lot of her personality traits she passed down to me by the way she raised me. i love her a lot though. i just needed to be my own person and she wouldn't allow that. it's bittersweet feelings i have for her as well as my dad. i love and respect them both but they are so acculturated, so programmed, so prejudiced, so close-minded, so insecure in themselves -- all of these toxic qualities, that they in one way or another passed down to me in raising me, i must avoid and get away from. they are contagious. i don't want to be that way. i don't want to limit myself by the way i think.

3) this is a picture of my mom and me at Sesame Place. i had fun there. this is a good memory that i cherish. i wish my family wasn't so toxic or else i'd want to be around them more often.

4) here's me and my younger sister. she is one year and 3 months younger than me. this is a good memory here. we had fun playing together growing up. but she too has become a 'zombie' like my parents so i don't talk to her anymore.

5) this is me during Christmas time. i don't remember when.

6) from right to left: me, courtney (my childhood friend), and my sister. courtney and i had a really good friendship. she was my next door neighbor, the "girl next door". she was my first kiss actually. i was only 7 at the time in happened, and never saw it coming. she did completely out of the blue. it freaked me out! i remember being totally disgusted because her lips were really wet. she got really embarrassed. i remember her not wanting to be around me for a while because she was so embarrassed. but i didn't like girls then. i was a kid. i didn't even see her as a "girl" -- she was just a really cool person to me.

7 & 8) these are much more current pictures of me. they were taken at my godmother's house in columbia, md. that's her daughter of the far left, and me, and my godmother, and my sister. i'm wearing an old skateboarding t-shirt in the picture. "Fallen" stands for Fallen Footwear, a skateboarding shoe company. i actually bought it to fit in with the skate crowd. i got rid of it now. but i used to skate a lot, i mean A LOT. i was quite good at it. like everything i enjoy doing, i do it completely alone. i lived across the street from my high school and they had a huge parking lot that used to practice tricks and ride around for fun. It was very peaceful at dusk because the view was incredible: you could see the forests in the background offset by the sky that was a mixture of blues and reds and orange and grays – I loved the colors. the parking lot surface was rough, which took the fun out of it a little, but i still enjoyed it anyways. i did a lot of nonstandard tricks, emphasizing more of the freestyle and technical aspect of skateboarding. I stopped skating to focus more on studying philosophy. I don’t have time for it that much anymore. i was outcasted by the kids in my town. this one guy told me that i didn't "look" like a skateboarder. whatever. it doesn't bother as much as it used to. i'm much calmer and more accepting of myself now. i think that it's their loss that they didn't allow themselves to get to know me as a person. i have more of a beard now than in that picture. you can’t really tell in the pics.


well, that's it! i've got some more pictures i can share with you when i get there. things are still fuzzy right now and i need to work out more details concerning the trip. but other than that, i'm ready to go and be of service and do something meaningful with my life. ok bye!

jerren

p.s. loz wrote me back again. She’s really cool. I like her. She said that she’s there to listen to me, which I appreciate a great deal.

am I being too open? Or too forward? should i not say as much as I do? i keep feeling like I’m doing something wrong by sharing all this out in the open. I dunno!

Sunday, August 14, 2005 1:38 AM


Hey!

In past e-mails, I offered excessive background information about myself that is entirely unrelated to my responsibilities as a volunteer (much less the program itself) and which may have been better left unsaid. For that I am deeply embarrassed more than I am remorseful about having shared it. I don’t think there’s anything particularly *wrong* about sharing one’s personal experiences and feelings with another, but perhaps it would have been better saved for when we are more acquainted with one another. Having only just recently started our e-mail correspondence and given the fact that we’ve never met, it does seem awkward and particularly unusual that I would be so forward and overly familiar with you. I’m certain that my family wouldn’t at all appreciate me sharing pictures of them with a "stranger" if they found out, but I got caught up in the moment. I located a photo scanner at school and even cropped, resized, and numbered the pictures in Photoshop. I guess you can take that to be an example my over-eagerness in wanting this to work out.

I’ve said that I don’t want to rush things, but subconsciously I am rushing despite my intention not to do so. I tend to be an impatient person with respect to my goals and planning. I’m so focused on the results that tend to rush through the process. In this age of high-speed internet and advancing technology, I too am accustomed to instant gratification along with just about everybody else.

As a matter of clarification, I do not expect you to solve my transportation problem for me, or answer all my "dumb" questions, or otherwise do for me what I could just as easily do for myself. That’s lame. I regret coming off that way, if I did. I need to learn to be more responsible for my actions and the decisions that I make. I deliberately chose to volunteer and I will put forth the necessary effort to achieve that goal. As you can tell, I’m going through a lot of my own personal issues and struggles, but I can bear them. Sometimes I just *think* I can’t and emotion gets the best of me and I fall under completely, but I always pick myself back up though.

After some reflection, I can clearly see how this can be emotionally exhaustive work, which intimidates me. Four hours a day will probably be more than enough.

Anyway, I’ve come to a more realistic course of action (one that doesn’t involve me pleading for help). I will sort out my transportation to Lima in the coming weeks, and once I’m ready to leave, we can coordinate with one another and make plans for a meeting place and other related details before I depart. I don’t want to get there and be stranded. Right now with my current living arrangements, I have until September 24 to vacate; if I do not leave before or at that date, I will in effect be homeless. So I definitely expect to leave either in late August or early September, depending on my travel arrangements. The exact date is still uncertain at this point, which is something that I will resign myself to take one day a time. I am anxious because I’m not sure if I can pull it off in such a short time frame, which encourages me to rush!


As an aside, I’ve learned some things about myself since first taking interest in your program -- about my goals and desires and fears and my own character -- even throughout our recent e-mail correspondence after rereading my messages I sent to you once I returned to a more rational, dispassionate state of mind.
And I have come to a number of important realizations:
I don’t care what you think about me anymore, not to say that I don’t value you as a person. But, I don’t need your approval in order to affirm my belief in myself as a worthy and motivated and ideal volunteer. I do prefer your approval of me (as well as that of other people), but I’m not going to fall apart if you suddenly decide you don’t need help anymore. If it things don’t work out, maybe it wasn’t meant to be. I have a lot to offer, and I think I could have a positive and worthwhile impact on your efforts in teen suicide prevention. I’ve never had any counseling experience before, but I’m willing to learn and open to new things. And I think doing this would help me become a better person in my own life.

I’ve also been around computers since I was three years old, so I am very technologically competent. I know HTML by memory, and I could help to streamline your website as a side project while I’m volunteering. Throughout my teenage years, I used to do graphic design as a hobby and maintain a website to display my artwork, so I have some years of experience in both web and graphic design. There’s a number of improvements I would make to your website to make it easier to navigate and aesthetically pleasing while still maintaining a simple, content-oriented format with a relatively fast load time -- but that’s outside the scope of this message. I’m self-taught, by the way. I also love to write and I could also in my spare time proofread your articles before you post them to your site or go over past ones if you’d be willing. Of course, this is all totally irrelevant to the purpose of the program and my volunteering, but I say all this to demonstrate that I am useful in more ways than one, and that I have the know-how and capability to back up what I say. And I’m willing to go beyond what is expected of me because I care about what I do and take pride in my work.


I know in all my messages I keep prattling on and on about my interest in volunteering and my reasons behind it, so I hasten to spare you of any more writing about that since that's been clearly established. I think you already understand where I am coming from and what I’m about, so all there’s left now is action. That’s a scary word. It’s something I’m still reluctant about because it commits me to face my fears and insecurities in order to reach my goals. I am the only obstacle in my actions, as I’m beginning to see.

Nevertheless, I’m grateful for this opportunity. I look forward to being there!

take care,
jerren

p.s. I will get back to you tomorrow about the article you sent me. I just needed to get this off my chest because it was bothering me. I wanted to get this out before you could respond to the other messages, but I was too late. I didn't read your last reply for fear of what it would say. For now, I'm going to pretend that you never replied to me because I don't wanna mess this up! I feel like I've made an ass of myself. Ugh... *shakes head ruefully*

Sunday, August 14, 2005 3:36 AM

Subject : MSCEIT test review


Howdy, it's me again.

I decided to read through your review instead of procrastinate until tomorrow.

I really like your writing, very stream of consciousness and natural. It flows. People appreciate that style of writing more because they can see that you are a regular person like them, you're aren't making yourself appear as though you have all the answers and that you can solve their problems like some ultra-technical psychologist who writes like he or she is a know-it-all. It's devoid of pompousness. The reader feels like they're actually with you, sharing your thoughts. They feel a connection to you (or at least I do), because they can relate to your thoughts. That's part of the reason I was encouraged to e-mail you and volunteer, but (as always) I digress.

As for the test, well, I don't see how it accurately measures a person's emotional intelligence per se. But then again, I guess it depends on whose definition "emotional intellingence" we're going by. I laughed a few times while some of the questions. My favorite is:

"What mood(s) might be helpful to feel when following a very complicated, demanding, cooking recipe?"

When I saw it, I wondered if anyone had ever stopped to seriously ponder this question while cooking. Also, the question seems to imply that a person's mood is dependent on a cooking recipe or whatever they're doing. isn't just their thoughts that are bothering them about what's happening instead of the events themselves?

Is this test supposed to be an objective assessment of a person's ability to manage their emotions? and that isn't a rhetorical question, btw. i read your accompanying journal entry to it but i skimmed through the rest of it. it's getting late and i'm tired. it's like 8:30 right now, i go to bed early to get an early start on my days. but yeah I kinda skimmed through some of it...well, most of it lol

I'm assuming that the purpose of the test is to measure a person's abilites to manage their feelings. I'm not sure if that's what Dave Caruso and company meant by "emotional intelligence". But looking the test, it seems like this test appeals more to a person's intellect than to their emotions. It's fairly straightforward and logical, which isn't a bad thing at all. I mean it's quite obvious what mood *would* be conducive to following a difficult cooking recipe, but how does knowing that help a person manage their feelings when their under stress or is having a bad day? sure, they may know what mood a person should be in in a given situation, but that's not going to help them if they're feeling overwhelmed by their emotions in the situation.

i dunno. i'm just kinda talking. it makes sense when i read it but i dunno. i'm tired. my writing seems so stilted sometimes. i guess it's from writing to many term papers in college.

I don't see how this could be of much use to people? Anyone with a sense of humor would have a hard time taking it seriously.



i like your journal entries a lot, to go off on a tanget. the use of pictures helps the reader to put things in context better and give them a better idea of what you're describing in their mind's eye. makes me feel like i'm there with you. and it makes me want to get a camera myself, snap some pictures. i would photograph landscapes and different people, just to have for myself. but they're pretty expensive tho, the digital ones. i can't afford one now, but i might get one in the future. everytime i read your journal i feel like starting a journal. i like how you set everything up -- it's easy to read and entertaining. it's like your actually talking to me when i read it. that's cool. yeah, i've wanted to leave the US since high school. never could tho, even when i had the money and the chance to do it. too scared. didn't know where to go or what to do when i got there. when i started actually understanding this philosophy textbook i found at my grandma's house, it opened up my mind a lot. she has lots of different books because she used to take college courses for senior citizens. i used to read them when i stayed there as a kid. that's how i first got into philosophy -- i just found it lying around and decided to read it. it changed me. i didn't understand anything of what was in the book at first, which frustrated me. then i keep reading over the years to be persistent and i thought i got it but turned out i'm still learning. you never stop learning with anything! there's never an ending point, where you can truly say "that's it, i'm done!" because once you do that, something happens and you discover that you didn't know as much as you thought you knew!

i'm still reading the same textbook to this day. it's been like six years i had it. still reading it. she (my grandma) had another philosophy book laying around with just essays on various topics in it -- epistemology, metaphysics, existence of God, ethics, etc. from people in science and philsophy fields. cool read but it's so DENSE! and i would study the dictionary so i wouldn't have to keep going back & forth between the two. i had that book for years too, and i'm only like halfway through it. i skip around in the books. i don't see how a person could read it straight through like a typical novel. it's not set up where you can read it like that. it requires active thinking and critical analysis. it's can be fun to read, depending on my mood.

whoa, wrote a lot there. didn't mean to. i hope i'm not bugging you. it seems like i came out of the blue and all of a sudden started e-mailing you. i was going to erase it all, but maybe you won't mind reading it. even if you don't read it, it's nice to get it all out and just write what i'm thinking. maybe i should get an online diary somewhere just to write when i'm bored. might look into that. ok, i'm gone

jerren

Sunday, August 14, 2005 8:19 PM
Subject : RE: my reality check



hahahahahaha, i'm such a worrier! :)

i was so worried about what you say to my last messages that i negelected to read this one. i was bothered about what i wrote so i sent a message to you yesterday when you replied.

i had to laugh at myself for being so paranoid, so untrusting, so skeptical

this CAN work. i am a highly motivated individual. i devoted most of last night and this morning solely to motivating myself. it's all mental. my life is what my thoughts make of it. i am responsible for all that i do. i have resolved firmly that i will do whatever it takes to get to lima, to help you, to volunteer. your website is so vitally important. i really think we can make a difference.


i at first believed my transportation situation to be an insurmountable problem -- another instance of negative thinking. i found that listening to music helped to set my mind in a meditative state. i listened to atmospheric drum & bass throughout yesterday while at school (i go between the public library and the art school for internet access). i printed out roughly 30 pages in total of motivational information that i read throughout last night. this morning, i took a bike ride to the park (the view was incredible), sat down at a pinic table in the shade, and began to think:

i broke this "problem" into 2 parts:
1) my transportation arrangements, and 2) coordinating my arrival with you

the first one is the most pressing issue.

i then broke #1 down into its parts:
a) method of transport, b) trip cost, c) trip scheduling,
d) passport requirements, e) visa requirments, f) length of stay in peru

i wish i could make a diagram of this to show you.

i returned to 1-a and broke that down my possible forms of transport:
bus
airplane
train

i'm thinking that taking a bus would the least expensive but the longest in time to get there. it would take me over a week to get there, maybe longer if you account for potential mishaps (like the bus breaks down or something). the airplane is the most expensive but the fastest. i'm not sure if i would need proof of onward travel once i got there to enter peru. i don't think it's necessary so far as i know. the train seems like the balance of the two, it's not as expensive as an airplane and it's faster than a bus. but i don't think there's a train running to lima. i would have to do both the train and the bus most likely.

at this point, i'm thinking that either i could take a bus or take a plane.

all i have is about $600 dollars. haha, that's my net worth at the moment in capitalist terms. i saved up $2000 dollars to move to arizona. and now i only have 600 left of that 2000. i haven't gotten a job down here because i'm so burnt out emotionally from my last one. i don't think i could deal with the stress. it would crap up my plans to leave the US. i'd get wrapped up in being a wage slave again. i would preferably like to get there (lima) with a little left in case of an emergency or something. that's why the bus seems to look more attractive at this point.

then i saw on this travel website that i could get a direct flight from miami to lima for 400 bucks and some change. i could catch a greyhound bus to miami and fly out from there.

i'm just thinking now. in the very early stages of planning. could use some tips if you have some. i feel like i'm missing something in my planning.

well, i'm not gonna hold ya up any longer. between the last few e-mails i've written a short novel. today's a pretty relaxed day, it's cloudy and cool outside. a nice break from all the heat. it's like 90 something but it feels a lot cooler than that, prolly because of the very little humidity. the summer is the worst time of the year. 110+ degees of pure oven-like heat almost everyday. it floored me when i got here. but it's lightened up, now that's it's getting closer to the fall.

i hate being in school. a thought of having to go to class tomorrow just cropped up. i need to focus on planning. i want to skip it but i might fail. i'm in student housing and i don't want to get kicked out before i'm ready to leave.

i should let you know that (for now) i don't plan to return to the US once i leave. i would like to volunteer for as long as you can stand me. haha. but you never know, i could get scared and want to go "home". i doubt it. you can never be certain about the future that's why i say "for now". but i doubt i'd want to come back. i don't want to be a US citizen anymore. sounds crazy, and i've thought about tremendously over the years. but that's what my heart leads me to do. i simply have no desire to live in this society anymore. i tried to do what other people do, tried to conform, tried all kinds of things. my values are so deeply and profoundly different than those of american societ at large. i intend to leave and never come back despite the many consequences.

i was going to save this for a separate e-mail but i'll just get it out here:
i may have given off the impression that i have a problem with the way that i look. i don't care about my natural appearance. it's just a body. and i don't care about the opinions of others in regard to that body. we don't chose our bodies when we're born. they're given to us by nature. and because they're given to us (birth) they will inevitably be taken away from us (death) because they were never truly ours to begin with. i believe that we are souls trapped in a living corpse (maybe that's a morbid way to put it). but some call it a soul, others a mind, still more a spirit -- it's all the same. i think the essence of a human being is beyond description, beyond words. we experience it just by being alive. how can you reduce something like that down to words, which themselves are subject to misinterpretation? at bottom, we are not identical to out bodies. here's an example:
imagine waking up with the body of another person. you still *feel* like yourself but yet when you inspect your arms and such, you don't look like what you always thought to be yourself. you look in the mirror and see a stange person. people react you differently. but you are still in essence the same person as before. you are not the body you inhabit.

but what are we if we're not out bodies? we are not our thoughts because they change on a daily basis, nor are we our emotions, actions, perceptions, sensations, mental formations, beliefs, our consciousness -- all of these change and are impermanent. the sum of these things makes us what we call a "self". but our essence can be found in none of them. that's why i think the essence of a human being is a fragment of God/nature. that's why people are intuitively attracted to the outdoors. nearly everybody admires a nice sunset. it's because we are deeply connected to nature and all therein. everything is one and the same in this essence. this essence is the foundation of all the interdepent elements that consitute the universe. i tend to call the essence "God" or "nature" or "the divine". these are all interchangable placeholder names from something that is itself beyond description. and i don't mean God in the widely popular sense, the Judeo-Christian sense. the belief that God is some grandfatherly nebulous being in the clouds is a tragedy. especially since people have the power to seek the truth, to change their beliefs. they accept preconceived notions of reality handed down to them by authority figures -- parents, teachers, government, peers, society. they don't question them. they don't surmount them, see through them. but as long as they are happy, it doesn't matter. i, however, am not happy unless i can get to the bottom of things, so i have to question everything.

i like writing to you. that's why i do so much of it. if you'll listen, i'll continue to write. i feel free to by myself and that's a great feeling. an accepting attitude is very important.

before i go, i was thinking while at the park this morning about my duties as a volunteer. my job as a teen suicide prevention volunteer. i wrote on some paper:
"my job is not to help them, do things for them; it is to listen and to ask questions to get them to think for themselves; you are in effect helping them help themselves."

i think that's an accurate objective. they are in control of their emotions and their thoughts, not me. i'm not supposed to solve their problems. just to accept them, listen to them, allow them to express their thoughts freely so that they can see them, react to them, and change them.

ok, now i'm done! hahaha

p.s. i feel great today, so open, free, positive!! i've been talking to people i run into just to be more open. i find that my positive attitude encourges them to be positive in turn. it's true: you reap what you sow! the more you give, the more you receive. positivity begets positivity, and the same with negativity. i'll be there soon!!

later I will be adding more emails and also Jerren's journal notes since he has been here.

Steve
Sep 29, 2005