Emotional Abuse

I created this page a long time ago, mostly to try to help the suicidal and self-harming teens I've met see how they are being emotionally abused in their homes. I want to add now that I am still suffering from the effects of being emotionally abused when I was growing up. And I am seeing the effects clearly in Laura, the girl I met in Peru who I am living with now. Much of my personal writing reflects what happened to me. I don't really like to say that I was abused. I hesitate to use that word. It is easy to use it when I see what has happened, but harder for me to use it when I talk about myself. It is is easier to say things like "They should teach all children and teens about emotional abuse and invalidation and how to show emotional support and be your own best friend when you have no emotional support at home or in school." I do believe this, but it may sometimes be a way of me avoding my own emotional pain. On the other hand I have cried a LOT and I think it's fair to say I have also felt a lot of my emotional pain, I don't just write about it or about other's pain.

PS - If you are not familiar witih me and my site, I'll just say I have been traveling literally around the world trying to find happiness. Today at least I am feeling pretty good and somewhat optimistic that I have made a lot of progress and things will get better in the future. I feel pretty good about my relationship with my partner Laura and better about where I am living than I did than when I was in Peru.

Abuse is any behavior that is designed to control and subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, intimidation, guilt, coercion, manipulation etc. Emotional abuse is any kind of abuse that is emotional rather than physical in nature. It can include anything from verbal abuse and constant criticism to more subtle tactics, such as repeated disapproval or even the refusal to ever be pleased.

Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim's self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of "guidance," "teaching", or "advice," the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting that physical ones. In fact there is research to this effect. With emotional abuse, the insults, insinuations, criticism and accusations slowly eat away at the victim's self-esteem until she is incapable of judging the situation realistically. She has become so beaten down emotionally that she blames herself for the abuse. Her self-esteem is so low that she clings to the abuser.

Emotional abuse victims can become so convinced that they are worthless that they believe that no one else could want them. They stay in abusive situations because they believe they have nowhere else to go. Their ultimate fear is being all alone.

No one intends to be in an abusive relationship, but individuals who were verbally abused by a parent or other significant person often find themselves in similar situations as an adult. If a parent tended to define your experiences and emotions, and judge your behaviors, you may not have learned how to set your own standards, develop your own viewpoints and validate your own feeling and perceptions. Consequently, the controlling and defining stance taken by an emotional abuser may feel familiar or even conformable to you, although it is destructive.

Recipients of abuse often struggle with feelings of powerlessness, hurt, fear, and anger. Ironically abusers tend to struggle with these same feelings. Abuser are also likely to have been raised in emotionally abusive environments and they learn to be abusive as a way to cope with their own feelings of powerlessness, hurt , fear, and anger. Consequently, abusers may be attracted to people who see themselves as helpless or who have not learned to value their own feelings, perceptions, or viewpoints. This allows the abuser to feel more secure and in control, and avoid dealing with their own feelings, and self-perceptions.

Understanding the pattern of your relationships, specially those with family members and other significant people, is a fist step toward change. A lack of clarity about who you are in relationship to significant others may manifest itself in different ways. For example, you may act as an "abuser" in some instances and as a "recipient" in others. You may find that you tend to be abused in your romantic relationships, allowing your partners to define and control you. In friendships, however, you may play the role of abuser by withholding, manipulating, trying to "help" others, etc. Knowing yourself and understanding your past can prevent abuse from being recreated in your life.

Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I'm stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evna (1992) suggests the following as basic needs in a relationship for you and your partner: (I have changed this from "rights" to "needs" and made other small changes- S.Hein)

One way of looking at emotional abuse is being denied the thing you need when you need it the most. John Bradshaw says something similar to this. He said we were most shamed at the times when we were most in need.

List 1 - Based on studies of Adult Children of Alcoholics

This list is from the work of Janet Geringer Woititz. She did her original work on adult children of alcoholics, but I believe her findings can be generalized to people who were emotionally abused in general. Certainly all children of alcoholics were emotionally abused.

Can only guess at what healthy behavior is.
Have trouble completing things
Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. (She explains that perhaps the child learned from parents who lied to cover up problems or avoid conflict. Or simply to avoid harsh punishment, or to get needed attention. But as an adult, that tactic is no longer appropriate.)
Judge themselves without mercy.
Have trouble accepting compliments.
Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes.
Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others.
Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed.
Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.
Have difficulty with intimate relationships.
Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.)
Over-react to things beyond their control.
Constantly seek approval & affirmation.
Feel different from others.
Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved.
Are either super responsible or super irresponsible.
Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. (This impulsiveness leads to confusion, self-loathing, and loss of control over their environment. The result is they spend much energy blaming others, feeling victimized and cleaning up messes.)

She also makes this observation:

Intelligent people, through their ability to analyze, often realize things which are disconcerting, which others would not see. They also are often capable of feeling more deeply, both pain and joy.

Adapted from Struggle for Intimacy, by Janet Gerringer Woititz

See List 2 Below

List 2 - source unknown

Feelings of low self- esteem (they say as a result of being criticized.)

We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly. We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous and gossipy.

We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and we feel often uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.

We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us. Not wanting to hurt others, we remain "loyal" in situations and relationships even when evidence indicates our loyalty is undeserved. (I would say not wanting to lose them, having an extremely hard time "letting go.")

We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism. This causes us to feel inadequate and insecure. (I would say it further adds to our feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.)

We continue to attract emotionally unavailable people with addictive personalities.

We live life as victims, blaming others for our circumstances, and are attracted to other victims (and people with power) as friends and lovers. We confuse love with pity and tend to "love" people we can pity and rescue. (And we confuse love with need)

We are either super-responsible or super-irresponsible. We take responsibility for solving others' problems or expect others to be responsible for solving ours. This enables us to avoid being responsible for our own lives and choices.

We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests. We give in to others' needs and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.

We deny, minimize or repress our feelings as a result of our traumatic childhoods. We are unaware of the impact that our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our adult lives.

We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations or relationships that are harmful to us. Our fears and dependency stop us form ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones. (I would add because we feel so unlovable it is difficult or impossible to believe anyone can really love us, and won't eventually leave us once they see how "bad" we are.)

Denial, isolation, control, shame, and inappropriate guilt are legacies from our family of origin. As a result of these symptoms, we feel hopeless and helpless.

We have difficulty with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships. Lacking clearly defined personal limits and boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions. (ie become codependent)

We tend to procrastinate and have difficulty following project through from beginning to end.

We have a strong need to be in control. We overreact to change things over which we have no control.

Based on an adaptation of work from Alice Miller's For Your Own Good and John Bradshaw's Healing the Shame That Binds You

Authority figures (AF) can be parents, partners, teachers, principals, supervisors, religious figureheads, cult leaders, etc. Dependents can be children, partners, students, employees, religious followers, etc. What matters is that there is a power imbalance and a dependence of some sort, whether physical, financial, "spiritual," psychological or emotional.

1. AF's are the masters of dependents.

2. AF's alone decide what is right and wrong.

3. They alone make up the definitions, the rules, and the "consequences" (i.e. punishment)

4. Dependents are held responsible for the AF's feelings (anger, disappointment, embarrassment, humiliation, happiness and unhappiness)

5. The AF is only responsible and accountable for good things that happen, never the bad ones. Thus the AF' appears to always be in the right and when things go wrong, the dependent is always blamed and feels responsible and guilty.

6. The AF tries to exercise total control of the dependent by controlling his thoughts, feelings and behavior. Whenever this control is not absolute, the AF feels threatened.

7. The dependent's individuality is minimized as much as possible by the AF.

8. The AF creates an intricate system of punishments and rewards which rob the dependent of any sense of inner direction and esteem.

9. The following freedoms listed by Virginia Satire are denied to the dependent as much as possible:

The freedom to perceive
To think and interpret
To feel
To want, need, and chose

10. The AF never (or rarely) admits mistakes or apologizes.

11. All of the above take place in a way which does not expose the AF's true motives and none of this is openly talked about. No "back talk" is allowed

Some of the Consequences

Mistakes are concealed
People are under constant stress
Needs are frustrated, denied
Fear dominates
Power is based on fear, not respect
Information is withheld and distorted
Information flow is primarily from top down
Behavior is forced; does not come naturally
Behavior is not consistent with true feelings, which adds to the stress
Conflicts and problems are blamed on the dependent's "poor attitudes" and "character flaws."

All of this tears the dependent person apart, causing self-alienation and even self-loathing. The dependent person loses faith in his/her own mind and feelings with devastating self-esteem consequences. Depression, rage, mood swings, co-dependency, self-injury and self-destruction are typical outcomes. If the authority figure is a parent the person will likely develop symptoms of various "disorders" such as the so-called Borderline Personality disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Anoexia, Bulemia etc.

2. The term "learned helplessness" suggests that a person has been taught to feel helpless and think in self-defeating ways. In other words the person has been taught that nothing he or she can do will make a difference, that they can do nothing right, that others know better than they do, and that they have little or no power and control over either their own lives or external events. The term was coined by Martin Seligman.