Conflict Resolution
Nearly all conflicts involve underlying emotional issues. The stronger the feelings, the more difficult the resolution. To resolve conflicts, then, it is absolutely necessary to address the feelings of all parties. Listed below is a conflict resoultion model which emphasizes emotions.
First, the probability of a mutually agreeable solution is increased when:
The parties are in direct communication
The parties have learned the basics skills of Emotional Literacy, EQ-Based listening, and Validating
The parties honestly communicate both thoughts and feelings
There is a mutual respect of needs and feelings.
Neither party feels superior or more powerful.
Participation is voluntary, not forced.
The goal is a win-win outcome.
First seek to understand, then to be understood.1
Old methods (used by adults on children)
The
basic steps are outlined below:
A. Seek To Understand
What would help you feel better?
B. Seek to be Understood:
C. Mutually generate options & resolutions
Hints
1. Resist inclination to focus on behavior and neglect the feelings behind the behavior.
2. Allow the least powerful person the lead role in generating and evaluating options. This helps balance the power.
Note: One of the most interesting things I have read recently is a statement by Manuel J. Smith, author of When I Say No I Feel Guilty. Smith says, in addition to the two traditional way of responding to conflict, fight or flight, there is a third way.
This third way is to verbally problem solve.
In all my reading, this is the only time I have ever seen this idea expressed, but how much sense it makes. And if we could all remember just this one point, what a difference it would make.
Old methods used by adults on children:
(a) ordering, directing, commanding
(b) warning, admonsihing, threatening, forcing
(c) exhorting, moralizing, preaching
(d) advising, suggesting, solving
(e) lecturing, "Dr. Spocking;"
(f) judging, criticizing, disagreeing
(g) name-calling, labeling
(h) ridiculing, mocking
(i) shaming, blaming
(j) "praising", "agreeing"
(k)"reassuring", sympathizing, "consoling", "supporting"
(l) interrogating
(m) withdrawing, "trusting;"
(n) distracting, humoring, diverting(See Gordon, 1975 p 317)
Results are that child feels:
(a) controlled, powerless, helpless, discouraged, incompetent, resentful, disrespected, rebellious
(b) afraid, threatened, forced, discouraged, resentful, insecure, disrespected, rebellious
(c) preached to, bad, wrong, guilty, inferior, inadequate, unworthy
(d) controlled, incompetent, underestimated, untrusted
(e) invalidated, misunderstood, alone, tuned-out, uncared for
(f) judged, criticized, unaccepted, resentful, inferior
(g) labeled, misunderstood, different, unaccepted
(h) ridiculed, mocked, offended, insulted, disrespected
(i) shamed, blamed, guilty, bad, inadequate, insecure, defensive
(j) confused, skeptical, resentful, offended, insulted
(k) minimized, weak, helpless, victimized, invalidated, disrespected, discounted
(l) probed, questioned, interrogated, untrusted, doubted, tested, attacked, defensive
(m) misunderstood, unimportant, invalidated, confused, unsupported
(n) distracted, diverted, invalidated, repressed, denied, minmized, disrespected, confused
Overall result tends towards low self-esteem
With the method proposed here the child is more likely to feel:
Understood, validated, important, respected, trusted, valued, esteemed, self-reliant, independent, self-assured, safe, secure, encouraged, supported, powerful, capable, competent, confident, empowered, optimistic... all of which tends towards higher self-esteem.
Footnotes
1. From Stephen Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People